If you have been following this blog, you will know we homeschool, but I have struggled with it off and on because of my kids having various disabilities on the Autism spectrum. The one time I did put them in public school ended horribly. Yet, by the time we prepared for school to start this fall, I knew we had to change some things. School for us was just not working. Our daily "school" consisted of screaming kids, a poopy 3 year old standing on the desk, another kid throwing papers and books and another one picking fights. Every.single.day. More often it was like that. Very rarely could I say we had had a good day. We tried to do school through the summer, but that was backfiring. I also didn't estimate how long of a recovery the neck surgery would be, so some days were just not good.
In an effort to find something affordable but easy, something to take pressure off of me, we enrolled them in an online school. Well, that backfired after about two weeks because we just could not keep up. With 5 kids in school, it was sucking up 16 hours a day of my time just to get school finished for them. Oh, that didn't include trying to make meals, clean the house, change the baby, feed the chickens or leave the house for an errand. It just was not a good fit for us. I disenrolled all the kids one Wednesday afternoon and the next week we were all sick.
I laid in bed for two days trying to figure out what I was supposed to do. I felt that I would be guided and provided for homeschooling like I had in the past. I talked to friends and family. I obsessed about it with Curtis. Then, after weighing everything at stake, I decided to keep homeschooling the 2 older boys, put the three middle kids in elementary school, and then we just had the 2 babies. The next day, the three middles started school. The boys and I cleaned the house top to bottom. The babies were happy mom could give them all the attention they needed. The stress level came down considerably.
The boys and I started back to homeschooling slowly. The middles came home happy and excited, exploding at the door when they came in. Things were good. We were adjusting and it was not nearly as bad or scary as I had anticipated it to be.
Most people that know our family knows we struggle with disabilities. Three of the kids have had traumatic brain injuries. You might think we were in car wreck. Nope. They all happened at different times, mostly by the time the kids were four. For Isaac, he had fell out of his carseat as a baby and then we slipped down and icy driveway. For Simeon, he fell off a freezer, was diagnosed as moderately autistic, and then the dog ran him over, flipping him on a driveway. For Ammon, he was accidentally pushed off the trampoline, but is also autistic. Joshua, who never had a brain injury so far as I know, had a cyst on his brain discovered in the 5th month of pregnancy. He has an auditory processing disorder. Hannah has ADD. Jesse is just intensely shy. These are not debilitating disabilities in the way I used to think of "disability". They are not in wheelchairs, they can speak, go to the bathroom, dress themselves and do chores. They laugh and run and climb things they are not supposed to. They do stupid "boy" things, and Hannah does silly "girl" things.
Most people that know our family knows we struggle with disabilities. Three of the kids have had traumatic brain injuries. You might think we were in car wreck. Nope. They all happened at different times, mostly by the time the kids were four. For Isaac, he had fell out of his carseat as a baby and then we slipped down and icy driveway. For Simeon, he fell off a freezer, was diagnosed as moderately autistic, and then the dog ran him over, flipping him on a driveway. For Ammon, he was accidentally pushed off the trampoline, but is also autistic. Joshua, who never had a brain injury so far as I know, had a cyst on his brain discovered in the 5th month of pregnancy. He has an auditory processing disorder. Hannah has ADD. Jesse is just intensely shy. These are not debilitating disabilities in the way I used to think of "disability". They are not in wheelchairs, they can speak, go to the bathroom, dress themselves and do chores. They laugh and run and climb things they are not supposed to. They do stupid "boy" things, and Hannah does silly "girl" things.
This week we had the IEP meetings. The IEP (Individualized Education Plan) were for Joshua and Simeon. Simeon is moderately autistic and recovering from two traumatic brain injuries, Joshua is just delayed a bit but we aren't sure why, has a processing disorder unspecified and a learning disability they haven't specified yet because of his age. Simeon has been on IEP status since he was 3 years old. He did half a year in Kindergarten, and then we moved and I never put him back in school, feeling like I could work with him and undertake his education. I knew he had delays of about 2-3 years. This is my life, so for the most part, I put myself and my kids in a big pink bubble and just enjoyed them, aware of their disabilities, but I didn't let it run our life.
What I wasn't prepared for was that now, 3 years later, he is held back a grade, most of his academic skills are in the K-1 grades, his IQ is 70, pulled low because of his language skills. He has low short term memory, and so this affects his ability to learn because he can't remember things, like the ABC's, or how to subtract. Everything is very literal to him, but he has been getting some jokes and able to laugh at his mistakes, sometimes. One day he can understand that "hold your horses" means patience, but the next week if we said it, he would reply with "I don't have a horse!!". He stutters because he brain can't catch up to his speech. He draws elaborate pictures because he doesn't have the verbal skills to process his thoughts. His skills are still spiking on a random range because that is the nature of brain injury healing. He might be able to tell me all the sounds of the letters, but he can't name the letters. He can count by 10's, but can't figure out counting by 2's. Reading is by memory because he can't remember how words are put together, so he memorizes the sight words, but he has no idea how they get their sounds. He will be in school year round now. Once the meeting was over I cried. My pink bubble was popped.
Maybe every homeschooling parent wonders if they did the right or wrong thing by homeschooling. Has it been a disservice to them? Would they have been better off in public school? Are their learning disabilities because of homeschooling? Have I ruined them in some way? And then, I realized I'm their mother. My job is to love and care for them, and teach them, yes, but when it comes to disabilities this severe, not every mother is taught/trained in how to care for that. (This is why there are professionals for these kinds of things).
I needed a mom. My own mother is 1200 miles away. I called my Relief Society president and not even 30 seconds into the phone call, she told me to come over. I sat on her couch, used up her box of Kleenex and cried about these decisions, the results, and now we knew exactly where my son was, and it was much worse off than I thought it was. She shared some of her life experiences, and I realized then that we all have trials to bear, but we share our burdens and these trials become a little easier.
Once I calmed down and looked at everything from afar, this is what I discovered:
Maybe every homeschooling parent wonders if they did the right or wrong thing by homeschooling. Has it been a disservice to them? Would they have been better off in public school? Are their learning disabilities because of homeschooling? Have I ruined them in some way? And then, I realized I'm their mother. My job is to love and care for them, and teach them, yes, but when it comes to disabilities this severe, not every mother is taught/trained in how to care for that. (This is why there are professionals for these kinds of things).
I needed a mom. My own mother is 1200 miles away. I called my Relief Society president and not even 30 seconds into the phone call, she told me to come over. I sat on her couch, used up her box of Kleenex and cried about these decisions, the results, and now we knew exactly where my son was, and it was much worse off than I thought it was. She shared some of her life experiences, and I realized then that we all have trials to bear, but we share our burdens and these trials become a little easier.
Once I calmed down and looked at everything from afar, this is what I discovered:
- We started homeschooling because Isaac was overwhelmed with school as a 1st grader and homeschooling allowed him the quiet environment he needed to learn in. He didn't have as many distractions and could move at his own pace (which meant 3 hours for 1 page of math).
- Stress levels in our home came down when we started homeschooling. Our schedule became more relaxed, but we followed a rhythm of school in the morning, lunch, chores, play, dinner, and bed. This served us well for many years.
- 3 more babies joined our family from the time we decided to homeschool, allowing us to become a closer knit family. I KNOW my kids. I know them down to a twitchy eye, a shoulder shrug, or a smile. My kids are close and bonded, and it is amazing to see the willingness of older kids helping little kids.
- If all my kids had no learning disabilities, no autism, no injuries, homeschooling might be totally different. Once I put the kids in school and the boys started their special education classes, I realized I was trying to do the work of 4 people. They needed skills and help that I could not give them.
- They homeschooled for the time they needed it. I was able to give them the comfort and lower stress. I was able to give them time they would need to heal and develop that they otherwise would not have had.
- My heart ached that my homeschooling days might be over for the majority of my kids. I felt like I was betraying the homeschooling community, and I felt like I was failing. I had to stop these thoughts. No matter what was happening presently, I knew we had developed foundations for our family, our value system, and that my kids knew I loved them and would go to the ends of the earth for them. It was time to change gears a little bit. With the kids in school, things didn't get worse for us, but actually got better. Just what we needed!
After this meeting I started thinking about Isaac and Ammon, two other kids with brain injuries. I went home and made appointments for them to be evaluated. Isaac was just a little better off than Simeon, but has the same problems he has, just a little different in a few areas. Ammon will start his evaluations this coming week. Isaac went back to school after Christmas break. While only having done two days of school and I worried all day both days on how he was doing, he is liking it. And so far, holding it together. This leaves Ammon and he will be attending a special needs pre-K for his help with his delays and injury.
This leaves Jesse and baby Leah. Jesse opted to continue homeschooling. This made my heart skip a beat!! Yay! I get to keep homeschooling and I'm not loosing that definition. Jesse, with no disabilities, and smart and witty beyond his years, gets lost in the shuffle a lot. I had been feeling I needed to spend extra time with him. God has a way of opening things up for you when something needs to happen, and it did. Starting 2013, we have 5 kids in school, 2 at home and a whole new schedule and way of life to adapt to. After a whole lot of prayer and thought and preparation, I'm not feeling anxious. I don't feel like I have "fed my kids to the wolves", like I have felt in the past. The teachers that each of the kids got were not just organized by administrators. I think angels and God helped orchestrate which teachers they got as those teachers match my kids' personalities exactly. It has been a wonderfully good experience.
I share this because I know there are other parents out there that struggle with these same things, but I have learned it is such an individual decision. Only you can make these decisions for your family. If you are confused and struggling, shut out the world, and turn inward, step by step laying it out in front of yourself to figure it all out, using prayer, using pros and cons, and ultimately, discussing with your family what is on the table and what are the best options. We have contingency plans in place, feeling we may need to plan for things that are just not working for our family. Believe that most people want to help, not hinder, your family.
As a last thought, I have started to research head injuries and how the pituitary and hypothalamus can be damaged. I am asking for some more help! Can any one share privately or publicly with me if they have had a hypothalamus injury? What were your symptoms, injury, cures, medications, or things that helped? I'll save that post for another day, but thank you in advance for anyone willing to share.
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